Infertility? What Now?

So you've just been diagnosed with infertility. Maybe you haven't been diagnosed yet but you've noticed that conceiving hasn't come as simply as you expected it to. So, what do you do? Where do you go from here?

Don't automatically assume the worst. Jumping to the worst case scenario will only paralyze you and keep you from doing what you need to do to move forward.

Make an appointment with the appropriate healthcare provider. If you are under 35 and you aren't pregnant after 1 year of trying or if you are over 35 and aren't pregnant after 6 months of trying you need to make an appointment with your gynecologist  If you have a diagnosis of PCOS, endometriosis, premature ovarian failure, male-factor infertility, unexplained infertility, etc. make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.

Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about your diagnosis and about infertility in general. Knowledge is power!

Keep an open mind. When I was diagnosed with PCOS I told my doctor that I was willing to do anything but IVF to get pregnant. That has obviously changed. Maybe you are saying that you absolutely don't want to adopt or live child-free. Never say never. It is okay that you are not ready yet, but keep an open mind.

If you're having a hard time dealing with the emotions that come with this, please see a counselor. You probably will need to talk to someone at some point during this. It will help to have a neutral person to talk to about what you're going through. Seek support. The infertility community is amazing. Twitter is great for anonymous and daily support and RESOLVE has many regional support groups that meet in person.

Take a deep breath. You're going to be okay. I know this is hard. Trust me, I really do, but you can do this.

What advice would you give someone newly diagnosed with infertility?

Ellen Page, my daughter, and reality

Oh my, my!  Is it time for us to visit again, faulty fertility friends?  It goes by so fast, and so slow at the same time, that I get confused. So what do you want to talk about today? Do you want to talk about dealing with disappointment? How about options for treatments?  How about venting?  Pull up a chair...

Well, I just don't feel like it.  "Juno" is on the TV, and Ellen Page is rocking the acting.  But the movie is way,  WAY too serious for me to have on while Suzy is away and I am alone writing a blog.  I look at the way that everyone in the movie (confession - I have not watched all of it) and I am shocked and appalled at the way the movie has played out so far.

 Issue #1  - Be a MAN! - This is a reminder that men need to be careful with their partner's feelings and not be misleading.  The adopting couple that has worked so hard to have children, but the husband decides to bail, because he's not ready. You need honesty with sharing your feelings, too.  But face it.  Most couples play single cylinder Russian Roulette in order to have their children.  So, if you have to work extra hard to have children, it is better to be fully committed.  No wussing out!

Why are all these people stalking me? 

 

Then, we have Issue #2 - The effort it takes for a pregnant woman, especially a young one, to give up her child for adoption.  I wish that for most women that had an unplanned pregnancy, that they could realize that there are plenty of loving to-be parents waiting for that chance to give that child a home and family that she may not want/be able to/wish to provide.  The movie ends on a happy, quirky, teenager ending, but it is most likely not that easy for most women.  The pain of giving up your own child, I admit, cannot be easy. So, despite some great though provoking dialog from Ellen Page, it just seems too neat, too cliche', too predictable.  All that great acting, Ellen, then that happy ending for Juno ruins it all.

My (yeah, right) Daughter and baby financier

Issue #3 - Ellen Page - I wish you were my daughter.  You are beautiful, talented, witty, intelligent, and though provoking. Just like me. Plus, I need you to finance your brothers and sisters.

Issue #4 - Totally off the movie, but, hey, this is my post, you can write next time! - I am so ready to have a child or children.  But I am tired of excuses.  I participate in a local support group, and one recurring theme we have is the inability for us (me, you, others, them, who knows who) to actually deal with the reality of our own situation and move on.  We like to wallow in our self-pity, and find others that will support us in doing so.  But I want to throw out a challenge and offer. 

If you are serious about what to do in your pursuit of family, and don;t know what to do, then find a trusted friend that will tell you the TRUTH!  It needs to be someone that is not afraid to push you when you need it, and knows when you need a little time to sit and just be.  But find friends you can trust.  I offer all of this, and will be glad to help each and everyone of you get to the ideal place in your life where you belong.

Because a Juno is not likely to fall into your lap from an ad in the PennySaver.

I'm Uncle Ike, and I want to give you hope.

My Advocacy Day Experience

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A few months ago, I started talking to some of my Twitter friends about attending RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. Once I received my FET calendar and realized that the timing would work out, I immediately registered to attend this important day on Capital Hill. According to the RESOLVE website, "Advocacy Day is a RESOLVE event where women and men living with infertility come together in Washington, D.C. to talk to Members of Congress about issues important to our community. RESOLVE holds this annual event so you have the chance to make your voice heard."

Infertility affects 7.3 million Americans. A staggering number. RESOLVE presented me (and over 100 other Advocacy Day attendees) with the opportunity to speak on the behalf of so many Americans whose lives are affected by infertility. What an amazing, important, and empowering opportunity. I chose to attend Advocacy Day to share my story. My experiences. My struggles. I also chose to attend to bring awareness to the fact that infertility is a disease that should not be ignored. 

Advocacy Day, in reality, was actually a two day event. I packed my bags on Tuesday morning and hopped on a train headed from Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Once I arrived at Union Station, I felt like my adventure had truly begun. I stood somewhat impatiently in a long taxi line because I wasn't quite sure how to find my way to an apartment that I had rented with a few girlfriends. After a short, ten minute taxi ride, I arrived at the apartment and waited for one of my fellow advocates to show up. Once my friend showed up, we set out to find the hotel where the Advocacy Day reception was being held.

From the moment I walked into the room where the reception was being held, I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. I felt like I entered a safe haven where everyone in that room truly understood how I was feeling and why I was feeling all those emotions. They have been in my shoes. They truly understand the pain that I feel in my heart when I see a pregnant woman pass by me in a store. On the street. While sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office. These women and men understand the heartbreak. The pain. The longing to be a parent.

The reception, which lasted two hours, was a great way to prepare for what was to come the following day. I had a chance to meet friends who have supported me from afar for so long. I got to talk to several women who attended Advocacy Day last year. It was an honor to listen to their own experiences and how attending this event last year made them feel empowered and even more passionate about their role as an advocate. Even though I was nervous about speaking in front of people whom I've never met before, I started to feel a sense of excitement. I felt like my words could truly make a difference.

As the reception came to an end, a group of us decided to head out on the town and have dinner together. We just so happened to choose a restaurant that had recently opened, so we received extra attention from what I believe was the restaurant's manager. We also had the opportunity to christen their  private dining room, which accommodated the eleven of us perfectly. Being in the same room with so many strong women was an amazing experience. Just having the opportunity to hear about everyone's infertility journeys and how they handled roadblocks and difficulties was eye-opening. I came to realize that even though everyone's stories were a different, we all felt the same emotions. Even though the reasons for being part of the infertility community are less than ideal, I felt proud to be a part of the community.

After a wonderful dinner, my roommates and I headed back to our apartment and tried to prepare for the early morning wake-up. We failed miserably and ended up talking late into the night. The next morning, I woke up with my stomach in knots. I worried about how many meetings I would be asked to attend (RESOLVE presented with me with the opportunity to represent both PA and VA because of my military spouse status). I wondered if anyone else would attend my meetings with me. I wondered if I would be able to hold back my emotions as I shared my experiences with the staffers.

The nervousness continued as we approached the registration table at the hotel. As I was handed my schedule for the day, I looked down and saw that I would be attending six meetings throughout the day. I would speak to staffers for both states' senators as well as staffers for my district representatives. I thought to myself, "Wow. I have a busy day." Next, I joined my fellow advocates for a breakfast and training session in one of the hotel's banquet rooms. RESOLVE provided us with inspirational speakers and great information that would help us survive the day. I teared up as I listened to Senator Patty Murray talk about wounded warriors who she had met who couldn't have children without medical intervention. I cried as I listened to stories about pain and loss. I cried for the brave speakers. I cried for my friends who have been through the same thing. I cried for myself and for my husband. I cried for those who are yet to face infertility.

As everyone's emotions in the room were running high, we were given information about how the day would proceed. As the co-chairs of Advocacy Day presented their information, I felt a little more confident about my meetings. I knew the infertility statistics. I knew about the two pieces of legislation that would be discussed (The Family Act and The Women Veterans and Other Health Care Improvements Act) Most importantly, I knew my story. I knew firsthand how infertility can change lives - physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially.

As the speakers finished up with the training session, I had the opportunity to introduce myself to fellow advocates from PA and an advocate from NC who just happened to live in the next town over. What a small world. My new NC friend and I headed out of the hotel for our first Senate staffer meeting at 10:30.

As we waited in the reception area for our first staffer meeting, the butterflies in my stomach started flying faster. As the staffer approached us and introduced herself, the butterflies flew even faster. But do you know what? The moment I started speaking, the nervousness melted away. As I shared the information about infertility and the pieces of legislation and my story, I forgot about being nervous. As the meetings continued, I felt an overwhelming sense of passion and purpose. I was there to speak on behalf of all the other infertility community members who couldn't be there to share their story. To make their voices heard. I had an important job. I had to show my passion. To make these staffers understand that these pieces of legislation could be helpful to so many people. To make them understand that infertility is a disease and shouldn't be ignored.

I think the highlight of my day was meeting and speaking with Representative Renee Ellmers. When we (my fellow NC constituent and I) showed up to her office, I expected the standard staffer meeting. I was wrong. We were whisked over to the Capital building where Rep. Ellmers was addressing other House members on the floor. While we spent most of our time with Rep. Ellmers' staffer, we had the opportunity to speak to Rep. Ellmers for a few minutes. After sharing our stories, Rep. Ellmers shared her own experience with secondary infertility. I felt a connection with her even though I was only in her presence for a few minutes. She was part of our community. She understands this pain firsthand.

While I'm not sure that I convinced all of these individuals to support the Family Act and the Women Veterans and Other Health Care Improvements Act, I felt like I poured my heart out. I showed how passionate I am about spreading the word about how infertility affects so many people on so many levels.

I felt so many feelings over those past two days. I was humbled and honored to be in the presence of strong women and men. I felt heartbroken for those like myself who have gone through so many treatments yet still do not hold that child that they've been working so hard for. The child that they want so badly. I felt joy and happiness for the individuals who have been blessed with a child or children whether it was through infertility treatments or through adoption. I felt grateful for these "resolved" individuals. They still feel like part of the infertility community and they wanted to spend their time advocating for others.

Even if you didn't attend Advocacy Day, there are still ways to advocate for these pieces of legislation. You can head over to the RESOLVE website and learn more about the Family Act (S 881/HR 1851) and the Women Veterans and Other Health Care Improvements Act (S 131/HR 958). You can write to your Senators and representatives and share your story. Ask them to show support for these pieces of legislation. Make your voice heard.

Thank you to RESOLVE for providing me with the opportunity to speak on the behalf of so many. To share my story. To meet so many of my supporters in person. This was an amazing experience. One that I will never forget. I feel like it changed me in some ways. It made me want to be more active in the infertility community. To give a voice to infertility. I'm already looking forward to Advocacy Day 2014 and to continue advocating for the disease that is ignored by so many. To give a face to infertility.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage- Hoping Through the Fear

This post is the fourth in my Bloggers for Hope series concerning pregnancy after miscarriage. If you would like to read my first three posts in this series, click here & here & here.  Becoming pregnant after the loss of a pregnancy can be such a confusing time filled with conflicting emotions, worry, and joy.  

There was not a magical moment, an absolute number of weeks reached in my pregnancy with baby girl where the fear and the worry just completely subsided and gave way to pure, unadulterated bliss.  Yes, once we had passed into the second trimester, I breathed a little easier.  Statistics wise, I knew that the chance of my miscarrying our baby had been significantly reduced once we hit that 13 week mark.  But while being a member of the infertility and pregnancy loss community comes with the benefits of support and understanding, it also comes with the reality of knowing that a safe and healthy pregnancy and birth and baby are not guaranteed no matter how far along you are in your pregnancy.  I remember being so relieved to be in my second trimester, but then I would recall the heartbreaking experiences of some other mothers I knew who had lost their babies at 20 weeks, or 26 weeks, or even later... Most of the time I was able to enjoy the pregnancy, feel hopeful.  But there were always moments when fear would grip me.  When I thought to myself, what if I still lose this baby?  

Even during labor, I found myself in a panic in more than one moment.  What if something went wrong now?

This fear first gripped me when my heart rate went wonky after I had been given my epidural.  My vision was jumpy.  I was short of breath, and everyone seemed very concerned.  They sent my husband and mother out of the room.  They closely monitored my heart rate.  The letters EKG were floating around.  I remember asking repeatedly how was the baby doing, how was the baby's heart rate...  She was fine. They were concerned about me.  But I wasn't.
All I could even think about is how is this affecting my sweet little one.

The second time was after I had fallen asleep for a few short minutes after getting my second epidural (during my first one, the anesthesiologist had nicked a blood vessel thus why I had the wonky heart rate and jumpy vision).  A nurse came in to check my progress and informed me that baby girl's head was in the birth canal.  I started to panic.  How long had she just been hanging out there?  Why hadn't I felt pressure?  Is she okay? 

Because she was further down now, the monitor on my belly was no longer picking up her heartbeat well.  

Panic.  

I had never felt so relieved as to when she was placed on my chest and I heard her cry and touched her head. 

I also found that those moments of anxiety and fear didn't just magically melt away after I gave birth to my baby girl. 

The day after she was born, after the wave of visitors from my family and my husband's family had finally dissipated, I sent my husband home to get a shower & some clean clothes and to pick us up something other than hospital food to eat for dinner that evening.  

I found myself alone in our hospital room with my newborn daughter. 

No nurses, no doctors.  No family or friends.

Just me and my baby girl.

And it hit me so hard in that moment- she is here.  

I didn't lose her.  She was real.

And then the tears started to flow freely because it was also in that moment that I realized just how much I still grieved for and missed my two sweet angels I lost before baby girl.

I realized what could have been, but would never be for them.  For me.

It does get easier.  My sweet girl is now 15 months old.  

I still fear losing her.  I know nothing in life is promised as we think it should be. 

I am forever gone from the train of thought that losing a pregnancy, a child only happens to others.  Never to me.

Sometimes I wish I could still be there in that haze of ignorance bliss, but mostly I am thankful that I have been given the opportunity, the understanding to know to never take any of my children, my blessings for granted.

Celebrate!

We have our winners picked from our NIAW giveaways!!

Thanks to random.org, the winner of the HOPE RING from Suzy's post is...

LORI!! 

The winner of Lav Luz's THE OPEN-HEARTED WAY TO OPEN ADOPTION book from Courtney's post is...

ELIZABETH!!

Congratulations to both of our winners and thank you to everyone who commented and participated!  If you won, please email us your mailing address so that we can get your prizes to you! :-)

Resolve Advocacy Day

Today is National Advocacy Day.

From Resolve:  Advocacy Day is a RESOLVE event where women and men living with infertility come together in Washington, D.C. to talk to Members of Congress about issues important to our community. RESOLVE holds this annual event so you have chance to make your voice heard. We will make your appointments for you and provide you with the training and information you need for this day of empowerment. Advocacy Day is a great opportunity to meet RESOLVE leaders and others from the infertility community who want to make a difference.

Today in Washington DC there are women and men talking to our political leaders on our behalf.  I was hoping to be there today, but circumstances prevented it.  I'm proud to know several bloggers who are going on our behalf.

Two of the main topics they are talking about will be the Infertility Tax Credit and Women Veterans and Other Health Care Improvements Act.

For those of us who aren't able to go to DC there are still ways we can be advocates.

• Be an advocate for yourself with your medical provider.  Take a list when you have a doctor appointment.  Lots of times when I have an appointment I feel rushed and forget something.  I always take a list and I make sure the doctor knows I have a list so we can go over everything.
• Join a local Resolve support group.  If there isn't one in your area, start one!
• Encourage your family and friends to learn more about infertility.  Many people don't know much about infertility and knowledge is power.
• Do you blog or tweet?  You can share your infertility journey with others.  Spread the word!
• Keep up with your local legislation.  There are many things you can do in your own area if you can't do something on a national level.

Our very own Bloggers for Hope blogger, Lauren will be at Advocacy Day.  When she gets back she is going to give us her account of her time there.  You can follow her on twitter to get updates throughout her time there.

What do you plan to do to spread advocacy about infertility?  I have become very open with friends and family about our adoption path.  It's amazing how misinformed people are about infertility and adoption.  It has been liberating for me and empowering too.

I'd love to know how you are an advocate for yourself.

 

My [New] Perspective on Mother's Day

Raise your hand - how many of you dread Mother's Day? Yep, I thought so. That's a lot of hands! Ok, you can put them down now.

According to Wikipedia, Mother's Day is "a celebration honoring mothers and motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society." For me, it was always a painful reminder of what I didn't have (a child) and what I couldn't celebrate (being a mom). It was thrown in my face whenever I turned on the radio, switched on the television, logged into Facebook or walked into a store. I couldn't even handle going to church because the sermon was usually about motherhood and they'd ask all the moms to stand up for a special blessing, except I couldn't stand up because longing to be a mom and actually being a mom aren't the same thing. It made me cry every.single.year.

Sure, now that I'm a mom I can stand up and receive this special blessing at church if I want to. I can listen to the radio commercials and see the t.v. commercials and not want to throw things. But while I'm thankful it's easier for me, I'm reminded of all of those still struggling with this holiday. I'm especially mindful of the woman who made me a mother - my daughter's birth mom.

Mother's day has a whole new meaning for me now that I'm a mom via adoption. I wonder, how does this holiday make my daughter's birth mother feel? She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and while she may not be parenting her, she is still a mother. I want to honor her, celebrate her and let her know how much I love her. I also want to be sensitive to the fact that this could be a difficult day for her, just like it was for me before I became a mom.

After we adopted our daughter I learned about Birth Mother's Day. From what I understand, it was started by a group of birth moms to honor and remember their experiences and it's celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day. I struggle with not only how to honor my daughter's birth mom, but when. Do I do it on Birth Mother's Day or the standard Mother's Day? And how do you celebrate the woman who made you a mother? Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem adequate, but then nothing will ever feel like it's enough to match the gratitude and love I feel for her.

If you are a parent via adoption, how do celebrate your child's birth mom on this holiday? Do you celebrate Birth Mother's Day? Do you have any special traditions? Or, are you a birth mom? How do you feel about this holiday? I'd love to hear from you in the comments!

For those of you still on the journey to motherhood and struggling through this holiday, I'm sending you tons of hope and love.  And maybe some tequila, too.  :)