When Infertility Rears its Ugly Head

Hey there! I'm going to deviate a little bit from my Transracial Adoption series to get a little bit more personal, and to get something off my chest. As some of you "blog old timers" know, my hubby and I struggled for 6 years to conceive and ended up becoming parents to our awesome son CJ though domestic infant adoption. Becoming a mom though adoption was the path we were meant to travel, and I have never been happier in my life!

But.

But...I have always imagined my life as a family of four, and we have yet to make a decision to that effect. There are a lot of things to consider...whether we have the emotional fortitude to go down this road again, whether we can financially swing it, but still provide for CJ's future, yadda yadda. And honestly, I haven't really thought about it too much. We've been in the throws of Toddlerdom lately, and our son celebrates his 18 month half birthday this week. I have been too busy with the care and feeding (and dealing with plagues, like Hand, Foot, and Mouth) of this young man to really think about more kids, and the process it takes us to make those dreams become realities.

I had fully put this out of my mind, but infertility has come back into my life with a vengeance this week. Not one, but TWO of CJ's clasmate's mommas are pregnant. And I've been having to hear ALL about it. About how exciting it is that Little Johnny and Little Sally are going to be big siblings, about how being pregnant and dealing with a young toddler is SOOOOO hard, and how these pregnancies are all whoopsies (giggle giggle!).

Ugh. I knew at some point that those feelings of jealousy and envy would likely return, but I didn't expect it would be like this. Yes, I am surrounded by pregnant women everywhere I go, but it wasn't until I learned that CJ's peers, including a girl who is one day younger than CJ, are already on their way to having siblings. It made our situation, our inability to have control over how we choose to build our family, come into the forefront of my life again.

It hurts. It hurts knowing that we may never be able to provide that tight-knit relationship that siblings have. Even though adoption, siblings are thick as thieves. I am an only child and hate it, will my son hate it too if we decide not to adopt further? Was it fair adopting a child, knowing that siblings were an uncertainty? There are so many thoughts running around in my head, and I just don't know how to feel about all this.

It's been said many times, and I'll say it again. Infertility SUCKS.