I Used to Be an Optimist

Today we want to welcome a guest blogger, Rachel. She normally blogs over at Getting There.

She and her husband have been trying to conceive for two years. They have the double whammy of infertility. Rachel has PCOS and they are also dealing with male factor infertility. They are currently waiting to save enough money for their first IVF cycle.

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Infertility changes us. It has definitely changed me. I used to be an eternal optimist who believed that every thing would always turn out great. I lived in a world that was full of sunshine and roses. I was outgoing and loved to be around people.

Now, I am a pessimist. I don't really like being around large groups of people unless that group happens to be family, and sometimes even then it stresses me out. But I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only person dealing with infertility that feels that it has changed them. Through blogging I found out that I'm not alone in this.

I've developed a bad case of depression since we started trying to get pregnant. My anxiety level went through the roof and I stopped sleeping regularly. Thankfully, my husband, my mother and even I realized after this went on for a couple of months that I really needed some help. I went to a psychiatrist and was put on antidepressants and sleeping pills. 

Between the meds and therapy I definitely am getting better. I've figured out through all of this that I've spent most of my life trying to be what I thought the world expected of me. Now I'm learning who I really am, and that who I am is kinda awesome. I sleep well now, maybe even a little too much. I smile more. It doesn't kill me to see my own niece and nephew anymore. 

I'm still not completely me again. I don't know if I ever will be. I'm redefining myself, my self-worth, my life. I'm lucky to have a husband who completely supports me in this. I've lost 'friends' through all of this, but if they can't love me until I'm me again, then they don't deserve to have me in their lives.

If you are having symptoms of depression, either while going through infertility or not, you need to know that it can get better. It's tough. I sucks to admit to yourself that you need outside help. It's worth it. YOU are worth it, and you aren't alone.

Even if you are treated for depression, infertility still sucks. It isn't fun. But you can get through it. You can learn to smile sometimes even when it's raining.