Only a Mountain

Sometimes it feels like the road of infertility is full of crap.  Plain and simple.  It's not pretty.

It doesn't bring any sort of comfort.

It makes you second guess your dreams and desires.

It creates stress and dissent in relationships that should be the pillars we can lean against.

It's just crap.

And when you're in the thick of it, facing a failed cycle and deciding where to go next, watching the months pass by and grow closer to family get-togethers...the simple tasks of getting up in the morning to face another day, going to work, and trying to stay strong...well, it can become something that seems insurmountable.

Life becomes a mountain that can not be moved.  A huge piece of land that is impossible to climb.  Especially when you feel alone and isolated.

I'm not bringing all of this up to bring anyone down.  But sometimes I think that with all the "hang on to hope" comments we make to each other, it's important to recognize that infertility sucks and hope can only take you so far.

However, this is where my "Pollyanna" attitude creeps in.  It a coping mechanism for me and I find that I tend to look for something good in a situation...even if it's as small as wearing flip flops on a summer day...just to survive the situation.

I believe that hope is strong.  There is a song on the Christian radio station that talks about "it's only a mountain."  It happens to be by a former American Idol contestant, Jason Castro.  I was going to post the chorus, but really, the entire song is such an inspiration...So, if you'll bare with me, I'd like to share the lyrics (you can go HERE for the you tube video of a live version)...

"Another day, another fight
It always feels like an uphill climb
Another step, another mile
The story of your life
It's harder than you ever thought
And it costs you everything you've got
When you're back against the wall
And you feel like giving up

(Chorus)
This is only a mountain
You don't have to find your way around it
Tell it to move, it'll move
Tell it to fall, it'll fall
This is only a moment
You don't have to let your fear control it
Tell it to move, it'll move
Tell it to fall, it'll fall

You've gotta find a second wind
It's not as high as you think it is
Don't give up and don't you quit
You gotta climb if you wanna win

And I know it looks big
And I know you feel small
But just a little bit of faith can change it all
Change it all

Chorus

Ask like you believe it
Trust like you can see it
Take your fear and say
There's nothing in your way, no oh
Even when it looks big
Even when you feel small
Just a little bit of faith can change it all

Chorus

It's only a mountain
Just a little bit of faith can change it all"


Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's easy.  It's NOT.  I'm also not saying you shouldn't be allowed to have down moments.  You ARE.  But what I am saying is that if you can find something...a song, a moment, a word that someone has shared with you...that gives you strength...take it and hold on tight.  Take a second to take care of yourself and realize that you are more than the disease of infertility.

You are more than the failed cycles, more than the diagnosis, more than the things thrown at you to knock you off your life course.

Those are your mountains and they will be intimidating at times.  Don't let them determine who or what you are.  "This is only a mountain...Tell it to move...Tell it to fall...It's only a moment."