Ah.. Vacations! Those stress filled, times away from work when you try to spend time arguing with your loved one(s) and have the joy of children and pregnancy shoved in your face by complete strangers that look better than you, usually in bathing suits or classy clothes. Is this you?
The stress related to vacation is highly correlated to childlessness and infertility. First, you were probably advised by well meaning friends and family to "just relax and take a vacation" like that is a recipe for baby making. Crank that stress up several levels.Or, how about just agreement on the destination - one likes the mountains, the other is the beach bum. CRRRAAANNNKKKK!
But THEN, the little daggers and samurai swords come out when you see all the others with their children running around. I would be happy with the ones crying! Then, there seems to be an inordinate number of pregnant women running around every time I'm on vacation. All of them happy, good looking, no pains, and ready to pop! And we walk around another year, without a child. CRRRAANNNKKKKK!
If you though the string was going to break, for some of you, it does. The time meant for relaxation, refreshment, and recovery from daily life turns into a nightmare. But it does not have to be this way.
First, you have to remember that you and your loved one are in charge in your infertility journey. You may not have a lot of options, but they are your options! It is all in your control. You do not have to allow the words or comments to get to you. You can stop them, avoid them, ignore them, or even get back in their face(but use careful judgement here)!
For instance, when Suzy had a recent medical procedure, they insisted on a pregnancy test. She refused, and when the head nurse came over, she told her that her reproductive endocrinologist two floors up would be highly shocked if she could be at all pregnant and it would take a miracle from God to make it happen. That's one way you close a person down that is being rude to you!
Second, come to love those differences in your lover, and work toward agreed compromises. The big location issue may need to be rotated and adjusted year to year. While you are on the trip, if it is your location, look for little ways that you can compromise so both of you get to do the things you like. A beach vacation picked by the gal means a day or so fishing, golfing, or avoiding shopping for the guy. Or the guy needs to go shopping, couples spa or do something special for his wife if they are doing his Vegas vacation location or outdoor activities the most.
Lastly, you do NOT control others fertility. Complete strangers on vacation with you at the same place are there for the same reasons you are there. Enjoy their company as you would anyone else. The pregnant women have heartburn, back pains, and cramps, despite what you see. It is not what it looks like. It's life, and a chance to enjoy new people without long term commitment. This is a place where complete strangers can become friends or you can just help each other enjoy the short time you have recreating.
Now, to my vacation.
Am I angry or stressed about my infertility. NO! While I admit to some tinges of wanting to have my own child or children already, I can enjoy what others have without anger or jealousy controlling me.
This week has been spent with Courtney and her family, plus Suzy and I. Her son B is a blast, and we are playing as I write this. I saw a mother earlier this week with a child that could not have been hers by birth, because of the obvious difference in ethnicity of the child. But that mother was showing as much love as any other mother, if not more as they played in the waves. I saw a woman on the beach who successfully had accomplished infertility treatments resulting in pregnancy and a child. I saw other children, born in various natural circumstance.
And today, Suzy and I met some friends today that have walked the infertility path and accomplished parenthood with different paths. We celebrated "talk like a pirate day" together. It was cool to be able to meet up with these folks who know what it's like to experience infertility. We celebrated the day by eating at The Pirate House, matey!
Courtney, Nic {with her little dude}, Suzy, and JuneBug {with her baby bug}
