On Grief

I don't know that I will get away with being the contributing blogger on miscarriage and loss without talking just a little bit about the grief process. It's big and real and undeniably a huge part of experiencing loss.

I have experienced two losses, and my grieving process looked substantially different each time.

I am no MD (...but I want to be one day!) and I am no psychologist (...and I don't everrrrrr want to be one), but I have known far too many people who have endured the loss of a child, and we all have grieved and coped differently.

Here are some things that I learned along the way about grief.

1. It's messy and unorganized. It hits you when you least expect it. For example, on the anniversary of my miscarriage I thought I'd be a wreck, but the day turned out to be pretty normal. When I found out Natalie Portman was pregnant, I cried big buffalo tears. Not happy ones either.

2. Don't be nervous to tell your doctor that you're having trouble coping. I put it off for weeks because I was scared he'd look at me like you're just sad, it will get better! Instead he told me he was glad I mentioned that to him and told me he wanted to work with me to make sure that I recover mentally, emotionally and physically from my miscarriage. I also told him about the extreme memory loss I was experiencing, and he explained that it could be from shock, anxiety, hormones, or all three. Just hearing that made me feel significantly less crazy. Your health is a complete package, and when it comes to your doctor, honesty is the best policy. Let your medical team support you.


3. Smile when you can. Chad and I went to a comedy show about two weeks after our second miscarriage and he felt so guilty about laughing. Truth is, we needed to laugh. We needed to get out of what I referred to as "the quiet house." It was so good for us to get out, and there is no shame in laughing. No one will judge you for it!


4. Eat lots of ice cream. Like, lots. Ok, this isn't a real tip but it worked for me.

via

5. Get into therapy with your spouse or significant other. I can't emphasize this enough. My husband and I got into counseling two days after our first miscarriage. Just having a third party listen to us and ask us specific questions helped us grieve together (even though our grieving styles were so different). For example, he thought he couldn't cry because he had to be strong for me. I thought he didn't care and wasn't grieving because he never cried. Turns out, we were both feeling the same sorrow, and the unification that came from that revelation really helped us get through those dark, dark moments.

6. Everyone grieves differently. Give yourself some lots of grace. Sure, there are those five stages you hear about (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but you may not experience them in the same order as others. For me, it looked like denial, denial, bargaining, anger, denial, more anger, deep dark depression, anger, and even though I'm not bitter or crying in a corner, I can't say I've totally reached acceptance quite yet.

I am well on my way, and I have hope that one day I will.

Even if you haven't experienced a miscarriage or the loss of a child, I think infertility in itself comes with a substantial amount of grief. Where are you in your grief process? How are others supporting you in this process?

IVF Support and Resources

Going though IVF and infertility is hard. Not only do you feel isolated, frustrated, and sad, but the loss of control over your own life is maddening.  You will need support to get through this process.  Whether it’s a close group of friends and family, or a large network of online cheerleaders from around the globe, you can’t get though this alone.  Here are some resources to help you build your own personal IVF/IF support team.

Family/Friends

Family and friends are generally the first place you start to create your support network. These are the people who love you and accept you.  Naturally, they want to support you though this process.  The one thing I found is that you may need to set some boundaries with them so that you have some space to work though your thoughts.  For example, you might want to tell them that you need your space during your two week wait. Sort of a “don’t call us, we’ll call you”.  Having your mom call you every day asking how you’re feeling, while well meaning, can get old very fast.  Your family won’t take any offence at all to your request. 

Feel free to share a much or as little of your journey with family and friends. For some, this is such an intensely personal process, that it's a bit too much to share outside your intimate group of confidants. Some people feel the need to share it with everyone (that was me). Just remember that if you do share your news with people, they are going to want to know how things turn out, which means you might have to share BFN news with a zillion people. Take it from me...that can really suck. On the flip side, I never knew how many people truly cared about me until my IVF cycles failed, so in a way, I built even stronger bonds through this journey.

Online/Social Networking

This was where I built my support group. Whether you find a group on a forum like The Bump, or network via Twitter or Facebook, virtual friendships can be incredibly meaningful. There’s something freeing about sharing this intensely personal information with people you’ve never met in real life. There’s no judgment, no historical baggage, and these relationships lead to real-life friendships.  Heck, take this blog for example! We all met though social networking, and look where that took us. In all honesty, I’m not sure how I would have survived two failed IVF cycles (and the joy of my son’s adoption) without my Twitter IF peeps. Their support meant so much more to me because they truly understood the roller coaster of emotions I was going though.

Organizations

There are many organizations that provide both financial and emotional resources and support to those going though infertility and adoption. Here are two of my favorites.

               

Chance to Hope: Chance to Hope, the lovely founders of this very blog, are a non-profit foundation whose mission is to give financial assistance to married couples who have been diagnosed with infertility and who are pursuing family-building through medical treatment or adoption.  They offer support groups, various events like 5Ks and bike rides, and grants.

 

RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association:  RESOLVE is a non-profit organization with the only established, nationwide network mandated to promote reproductive health and to ensure equal access to all family building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders.  RESOLVE offers education on infertility issues and stress management, support groups on a local level, financial planning, and much more. RESOLVE is the first place I would recommend you stop if you are just beginning on your IF journey.

Books

I took an informal poll of my Twitter friends and fellow Bloggers for Hope contributors, and here are some books that were found to be very helpful to women and couples starting this journey:

Taking Charge of your Fertility, by Toni Weschler

This is the best resource to understand the science behind conceiving.

Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford

The Land of If got its name not only because “IF” is the abbreviation for “infertility” in the online world, but also because there are so many “ifs” inherent in being here. Lots of knowledge and insights, as well as information for same-sex couples, adoption, and remaining child-free.

Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me? By Kristine Ireland Waits

A witty, humorous, sometimes bitter look at infertility. Do you want reassurance that you’re not alone and your hatred of smug pregnant women? This is your book!

IVF: A Patient’s Guide by Rebecca Matthews

A great guide on exactly what IVF is and what’s new in the field, how to choose a clinic, and lots of case studies.

This is just a short list of resources for you as you start your journey with IVF. If you have a favorite book, website, or found a way to cope with infertility that you'd like to share with others, please feel free to leave a message in the comments!  

Adoption Home Study

I know that when it comes to adoption, home studies tend to bring a lot of anxiety. As somebody that has been through 1 and getting ready for a 2nd I can tell you, there really is no need to worry. However, on that note; I remember when people told me that before our first one and I did not believe them. I know this is something that is easier said than done!! But I wanted to explain a bit more about them in order to put those of you about to have them at ease and help with any questions.

What exactly is a home study and why to families wanting to adopt have to have them? Here is some great information on this very important part of adoption for you!

Understanding the Home study

No matter of the type of adoption (domestic or international) nearly all families must have a home study completed by a licensed social worker prior to proceeding with an adoptive placement. The purpose of a home study is to ensure that each child is placed in a suitable home; that good matches are made between children and families. Home studies also help to make sure that prospective families have homes that comply with State and local laws for placement of adoptive children families are educated about adoption have the information they need to make the best decisions for their families about adoption.

Your home study may include requests for the following information:

• Your personal family background-including upbringing, siblings, key life experiences.
• Marriage, family and significant relationships
• Motivation to adopt
• Expectations for the child
• Feelings about the infertility your family has dealt with, if this is an issue
• Parenting integration of the child into the family
• Family environment
• Your physical health history
• Education, employment finances, including insurance coveragechild care plans if needed
• Criminal background clearances
• Child abuse clearances
• References
• The final step is the social worker's summary recommendation.

Required Documents & Other Items

Specific requirements for home studies vary by state; adoption agencies;  the following, however, are commonly required:

• A visit to your home, made by a social worker that is completing your home study. This visit is to ensure that your home meets basic state safety regulations, will also assist the caseworker in documenting the layout of your home in the home study.
• An autobiographical statement-a statement you create about your life history
• Certified copies of birth certificates for you, your partner, and any children
• Certified copy of your marriage license
• Certified copies of divorce decrees, if applicable
• The death certificate of a former spouse, if applies
• Certified copies of the finalization or adoption decrees for any previously adopted children
• Income verification (may include tax returns, W-2 forms, paycheck stubs, etc.)
• A statement of health provided by a physician, which might include lab test results or a statement of infertility
• Written references from friends, employers, neighbors, etc.
• Child abuse clearances
• Fingerprints for criminal record clearances

Questions You May Be Asked

During meeting(s) with your social worker, you can expect to answer questions about your background, your education, your job history, your marriage, your leisure activities, your religion, and your experiences with children. For instance, your social worker may ask:

• What is your family like? How will you integrate your new child into your family? How will your extended family accept an adopted child?
• How is your marriage? How do you make decisions, resolve conflicts, express your feelings?
• Why do you want to adopt?
• What is your home like? Are there places for your child to play or spend time alone? Are there parks nearby? 
• What is your neighborhood like?
• What was your family like when you were growing up? How were you raised? Are you close to your parents? Close to your siblings?
• Where do you work? Is your schedule flexible enough to accommodate the responsibilities that come with parenting?
• What sort of childcare arrangements will you make for your child? 

I hope this information is helpful!  If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Your Endometriosis Treatment Options

So you have endometriosis.  What can you DO about it? 

I think that is the first question we all ask our doctors and ourselves once we have received the official endometriosis diagnosis.  You have several options, and your choice of treatment will usually depend on the amount of pain your endomteriosis is currently causing you and on your desire for pregnancy in the near (or far off) future.  If, for instance, you know you do not wish to be pregnant for the next year, five years, or possibly you never wish to become pregnant, then your options are much more open than if you are struggling with a diagnosis while attempting to become pregnant.

The only way to receive an official diagnosis of endometriosis is by undergoing a laporscopic surgery to see if there is endometrial tissue growing anywhere in your abdomen outside of your uterus.  This cannot be detected with any test or ultrasound, so the only way it can be seen is in surgery.  This means that most women who suffer from endomteriosis will receive their first method of treatment at the same time as their initial diagnosis.

Laparoscopy
Undergoing a laparoscopic surgery will allow your doctor to diagnosis your endometriosis and at the same time remove as much as is possible by burning away any spots of endometriosis, adhesions or ovarian cysts that are visible and are operable.  Endometriosis is capable of growing anywhere in the abdominal cavity and is commonly found on the fallopian tubes, ovaries, bowels and bladder.  Surgery allows your doctor to remove as much as possible and is considered much more effective than hormone therapies. The down side of surgeries to remove endomteriosis is that they will create scar tissue which can create even greater infertility issues.  My personal doctor does not like to preform a laporoscopic surgery more than once every two years. 

Lupron
There are several possible hormone therapy options to treating endometriosis.  A common first step after an initial diagnosis is to put the patient on a high dose of Lupron for six months.  While on lupron it is not possible to become pregnant, so this may not be an option for women actively pursuing fertility treatments.  After my initial diagnosis I spent six months on Lupron, and it did seem to slow the growth of my endomteriosis.  The way it does this is by suppressing your hormones and putting your body into a menopause like state.  This will hopefully allow the endometriosis to die away since it is no longer being supported by your monthly cycle of hormones.  The side effects of Lupron are very similar to those of menopause.  I experienced hot flashes, night sweats and was extremely emotional.  Like so emotional that I cried my eyes out for DAYS over an episode of Futurama.

The lupron shots are given monthly, so you will need six appointments over the six months, which may or may not require a copay.  This along with the copay at the pharmacist for the shot made it a rather expensive treatment.

Birth Control
After going off Lupron, if you do not wish to become pregnant, your doctor will most likely put you on birth control.  They may offer for you to do this on a three month cycle in order to reduce the number of periods you experience in a year.  This will reduce your pain associated with your endo as well as reduce the growth and spread of the disease since it is during your period that adhesions are formed within your abdominal cavity. 

My body had a very hard time doing a three month cycle on birth control. I would start having break through bleeding around the end of the first month and it would continue on and off until the end of the three month cycle.  I tried around ten different birth control brands to attempt to get this under control.  Finally it was decided that a three month cycle is not effective for me personally.

Mirena
Mirena is a long term form of birth control.  It is a "T" shaped device that is implanted into the uterus and releases low levels of progesterone.  It is intended for women who do not wish to become pregnant over the next five years.  Studies on Mirena and endometriosis are limited, but it seems to be an effective treatments against the disease for women not wanting to become pregnant.  This will be my next step in treatment options once I am officially willing to close the door on the possibility of any future children. 

Pregnancy
I realize this is the most annoying treatment option to tell an infertile woman who has endometriosis, but it's still true.  Pregnancy, when possible, is a great treatment for endometriosis.  It breaks adheasions and stops growth of endometrioisis. It has been known to cure some women of the endometriosis all together. For me personally, my nine months of pregnancy were my only true break from pain from my endometriosis over the past eight years.

Natural Treatments
There are several natural treatments that people use and feel are effective.  None have ever worked well for me, but they are worth mentioning.  These treatments include reducing fat intake, increasing vegetables and flax seed in your diet, taking Omega 3 and reducing stress.

Hysterectomy
When all else fails, you have the option to remove the problem.  A hysterectomy truly is the last option, but if a woman has exhausted all treatments and is still in a great deal of pain, sometimes for quality of life it is best to remove the uterus and ovaries.  It is highly recommended that you remove ovaries as well because even without a uterus endometriosis can continue to grow in other locations with the hormones released from the ovaries.

This is not a complete list of treatments, but as far as I know these are the most common.  Have you found success with any other treatment for endomterioisis?  If so I would love to know about it so I can include it on this list for other women trying to find relief from this disease!

Donor Sperm: Decisions, Decisions

Several people on twitter and email have asked me how you go about choosing a sperm donor.  What is involved with it and what criteria do you use.  So I'm going to address those questions today.

The first step in choosing a donor is choosing a cryobank.  There are so many to choose from now.  When my husband and I started this process eight years ago, the number of cryobanks to choose from was a lot less than it is today.

There are a lot of factors going in to choosing a cryobank.  The availability of a donor you need that meets some of your requirements, the ease of working with the bank, receiving quality vials that thaw well, their reputation, and so many more things.

Here is a suggested list from the California Cryobank on what to look at when choosing a cryobank.

1. Is the sperm bank accredited by the American Association of Tissue Banks (AATB)? 
2. How long has the sperm bank been in business? 
3. Is the sperm bank physician owned and operated? 
4. Is sperm banking the company's primary business? 
5. Does the sperm bank employ full-time genetic counselors? 
6. What percentage of applicants is accepted into the donor program? 
7. What type of donor screening does the sperm bank perform? 
8. Does the sperm bank offer a varied donor selection to satisfy the needs of a diverse group of clients? 
9. Does the sperm bank have an Open Donor Program? 
10. Does the sperm bank limit the number of vials collected from each donor? 
11. Are the vials listed on the sperm bank catalog currently available for purchase? 
12. What is the sperm bank's philosophy about charging different fees for donors? 
13. Can extra sperm be stored for possible use later for another child? 
14. Can my vials be shipped directly to my doctor?

{taken from their website.  You can find the full article here.}

The first time my husband and I used a cryobank we used the one that our doctor recommended.  We really didn't shop around, we just went with who they recommended.  This bank was the largest one out there.  But they lacked a lot in customer service.  This time I got a list of the top three banks my doctor recommended and then went to twitter.

I have found tons of great information on twitter from others who have used donor sperm.  The bank we ultimately went with this time was based on a friend's recommendation and the personal communication with their staff.  We really have been happy with this cryobank.  They have been so easy to work with and have even called me to check in on how things are going.

Once you choose a cryobank you then start looking at donors.  Let me tell you that this can be completely overwhelming!!!

Here are some of the basic stats to choose from:

Height, weight, hair color, hair texture, hair loss, eye color, eyesight, eye correction, near or far sighted, body build, freckles, skin tone, skills, hobbies or interests, immediate family history (parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles are included in this), education, GPA, marital stats, number of children, religion, occupation, blood type, ethnicity, identity disclosure, and photos.

And those are just the basics.  You can get into much more detail about their personality with an enhanced profile.  This usually includes a personally test with more detailed information.

There is also the option of using a donor that is open to being contacted by children in the future.  This is a huge decision and probably just as important as the physical characteristics that are taken into consideration.

For us, choosing a donor has been a long journey.  Not only are there physical characteristics to think about, but more importantly the decision to even use a donor can be a difficult one for so many couples.  When you are using a donor you face the fact that your future child/ren will not have your partner's DNA.

Many reproductive endocrinologist's require couples and individuals using donor sperm to see an infertility counselor before they will allow them to go through the process.  My current RE requires this of everyone before they will treat them using donor sperm.  Because my husband and I had already tried DS in the past, my doctor allowed us to skip this process.

So as you can see, there is so much that goes into the process of choosing a donor.  Everyone puts a different emphasis on what characteristics are most important.

For us, it was the physical characteristics.  We wanted to match my husband's physical traits as much as possible.  For others it is the personality traits that matter most.  Everyone is different with their selection process.

So that's the first step!  Next time I will talk about what happens once you choose the donor and how it gets to your doctors office and eventually to you.

 

New Skin or a Band-aid?

After my loss in 2008, I received comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant."  I know it was meant as a comfort, but anyone that has experienced infertility and/or a loss knows that it is far from that.

"See, all you needed to do was relax!" Those were the words I heard whenever my husband and I announced to everyone that we were pregnant (with #2) and in our second trimester.  I'm sure they were meant as excitement but, again, anyone who's been through years of trying to conceive does not appreciate them.  My body was able to get pregnant because of the treatment and pregnancy loss I had just been through.  It was anything but relaxing to mourn the loss of a child I had waited so long for.

I was terrified my entire pregnancy with my son.  My PhD in Dr. Google did not help me when I had already been educated about how often things go wrong...even at the end.  I was still working through the loss of pregnancy #1.  My family and friends were excited and while I appreciated it so so much, there was such a deep part of me that felt alone and sad.

I felt uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy to people.  Especially in public.  I had the heightened awareness that, according to the facts, there was a huge chance of an infertile within hearing range and I did not want to be that pregnant chick whom they went back and bitterly blogged about.  I didn't want to be the cause of anyone's pain.

I became busy preparing for a new life in our house...cleaning, organizing, shopping.  After we were home with a real live baby, my world was turned upside down.  Forever changed.

Yet.  Still the same.

I began to realize that even through the joy I had for my own family, I would have this odd feeling deep deep down inside of me whenever I would hear pregnancy announcements...celebrities, in-the-news, FB, or friends.  What was this feeling gnawing away at me?  Making me feel nauseated?  It wasn't jealousy....it wasn't anger...it wasn't bitterness...After all, I had a child at last!  Dread.  That's it.  The excitement of a soon-to-be parent announcing they were 8 weeks along....or shoot, sometimes I wondered if the pee was even dry on the home pregnancy test before they announced it!  The idea that they were taking that moment, the (understandable) excitement, and letting the world know they were expecting made me scared of the possibilities.

Then there were the announcements that rolled in of my friends having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th child.  I was jealous of that.  How did they get so lucky to pop kiddos out by just looking at each other while I had tried for 3 years and out of 2 pregnancies, only brought 1 home?

Oh, and how I looooooved the ones who were so blessed with their children and had nothing but negative things to say about them all.of.the.time.  "Welp, Johny peed on his clothes pile again!"  "Great, little Suzie refused to eat dinner tonight.  I hate when she does that."  "What more can my child do or get into before I lose my mind!  I'm seriously willing to GIVE THIS CHILD AWAY!"  And the complaints go on and on and on.  I get it, kids are hard.  Raising them the right way is even harder.  Sometimes you just need to vent your frustrations out to anyone that will listen or you just know you will explode.  I would not expect someone to never complain (goodness knows it's needed), but some people have no idea of how to control their thoughts, words, or actions.  It's like they forget how blessed they are to have those children.  So, even though I had/have a child of my own at last, those feelings of annoyance and bitterness still crept/creep up from time to time.

I honestly thought that after I had a child, the memories of what I went through would remain but the hurt and pain would go away.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Now, before I start getting comments about how I should be thankful for what I have...not be so bitter...get over it...move on...etc., etc., etc...let me say that I am so very thankful and the bitterness (for the most part) is non-existent.  I don't sit around all day every day just looking at things and becoming angry because they are associated with being infertile.  Most of my days are full of laughter and joy...and inspiration.  So.much.inspiration.  My son inspires me.  My family and friends inspire me.  And all the millions of people who struggle every day with infertility, hardship, disease...and continue on to the next day...yes, they inspire me.

But don't be fooled.  Just because you have a child after infertility doesn't mean there won't still be moments of bitterness.  There will be.  It's inevitable.  And it will sneeeaaaak up on you when you least expect it.  Shoot, I've even had moments of jealousy (just small twinges, mind you) when a fellow infertile finally has a child.  Am I angry that they have a child?  NO.  Am I jealous?  NO (although I am still jealous of anyone who is able to have a regular period, a child with no problem, and hormones that aren't constantly causing you to lose your mind...oh, and anyone that doesn't deal with pain on a daily basis).  I am, like the pre-baby me, just sad for myself.  I'm sad that although I have a wonderful wonderful son, I have to face the fact that my body has failed me...it is broken still...and if I ever want another child, the road will not be easy (though worth it).

To those who think the scars of infertility go away after a child (through treatment or adoption or oops!), think again.  Parenting after infertility doesn't paint new skin over those scars...it's only a band-aid that protects us and hides our pain...and it is occasionally ripped off, reminding us we are still human and we have been through a struggle.

Those of you who are now parenting after infertility...or perhaps you're trying for #2...and you wonder if the feelings you have: seeing the infant clothes not knowing if you'll ever use them again, cringing as you hear a 4th pregnancy announcement in 1 week, or watching the news tell of one more child abuse case....you wonder if you're alone in your thoughts, your aches, your emotions...

No.  You are not.  We (parents after IF) are all around.  Some just hide it better than others.  But the feelings are normal and it's O.K. to have them.  Many don't/won't understand.  That's okay too.  The band-aid gets ripped off sometimes, but a new one will replace it soon.

**Happy Valentine's Day!!!  I hope that you are able to share your love with someone today...spouse, child, family or friend.**

The Terrible Toos of the Adoption Profile

We are so excited to have our first guest author here at Bloggers for Hope, Lori from Write Mind Open Heart.  Lori is married and a Mom to two amazing adopted children.  She frequently hosts Perfect Moment Monday on her blog which is how I got to "know her" in the blogging world.  

Lori is an inspiration and a cheerleader of hope in the ALI community.  She brings peace and light to those around her. I know you will enjoy her post today.  It's full of some great information!

Thank you Lori!

(Suzy)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've reviewed dozens of adoption profiles, some in the draft stage and some that had already languished at an agency for months and months. I share with Bloggers for Hope readers some of the common issues I see with ailing profiles, which I call the "Terrible Toos."

7 Common Mistakes in Adoption Profiles

#1: Too perfect: Alan and Jackie* had perfect teeth. Their parents and siblings had perfect teeth, too, AND flawless skin. They took perfect vacations together and tended a perfectly manicured lawn. They were blessed and happy!

Of course, they were only showing parts of themselves they deemed "acceptable." And, of course, a reader might be put off by a couple that belongs on a magazine cover. I encouraged Alan and Jackie to add dimension to their profile by getting real and opening up about their dreams and heartaches. Three dimensions are more attracting than two.

And REAL is the real draw.

#2: Too much: This 20-pager for Debbie and Curt went on and on. It left nothing to be revealed and came across as self-centered. Sometimes more is less and vice versa.

#3: Too self-indulgent: similar to the lengthy profile is the us-us-us profile. It is a monologue rather than an invitation to a dialog -- a subtle difference.

Sunny and Blake each wrote about themselves for several pages, not even acknowledging that there was a reader. Their narratives were not composed out of true egotism, but rather just not knowing how to write about and present themselves in a conversational way.

Once Sunny and Blake changed their approach from a "book report" style to something else, their profile got noticed -- and chosen.

What was this magic style? Instead of each one telling about him/herself (which is hard), Sunny and Blake told about each other (which is easy). Moreover, doing so invited the reader into the profile: You should see Sunny when she's coaching soccer. The children flock to her like pigeons on bread crumbs. And it allowed the reader to see the couple through loving eyes.

#4: Too pretentious (I haven't actually see this trait in a profile, but I bet it exists): there's no need to show off the driving range in your back yard or your annual trips to Paris or your collection of sports cars. Such shows of wealth are not what an expectant parent finds comforting -- wealth of time and love are. Plus, pretentiousness can build a barrier instead of finding common ground with your reader.

#5: Too guarded: while there may be photos and text, the reader is left not really knowing anything about the hopeful parents.

Gina and Ken had recently been scammed and were understandably cautious. They wanted to protect themselves from repeated heartbreak. In doing so, they built a wall to keep Bad Things out. But the funny thing about walls is that they are multipurpose. They also keep Good Things out.

Throughout their pages, it was clear that Gina and Ken didn't want to reveal too much about themselves. Reading their profile was the equivalent of trying to have a conversation with a person whose arms are tightly crossed over the chest.

The wall was evident in closing line of their profile:

Please contact us only if you are serious about an adoption plan.

Clearly, this wasn't a problem that would be solved just by wordsmithing. I counseled Gina and Ken about what a true (not scamming) expectant parent considering adoption might be going through. We talked about the myths surrounding birth/first parents, and what they could expect to find when working with an ethical adoption professional. A deeper understanding of their intended audience helped them to risk more revelations and invitations in their profile.

#6: Too blah: Katie and Gil were careful not to put anything in their profile that was too anything. They were rabid Cornhusker fans, but didn't want to offend anyone who might back an opposing team. They loved to ride motorcycles, but didn't want to freak out a reader who might be more cautious. They attended their church regularly but didn't want to mention it in case theirs wasn't the same faith as the readers.

In short, Katie and Gil hid their lights under a bushel.

I interviewed them to find out what made them unique and vibrant and found the qualities mentioned above. Once they revised their profile to show themselves OUT LOUD, it wasn't long before their profile was chosen as the perfect match for an expectant parent.

#7: Too footloose: Sam and Bill's profile had photos of them on a honeymoon in the Bahamas, toasting each other with umbrella drinks. There was also a photo series of them zip-lining in the cloud forest of Costa Rica, and more of them scuba diving in crystal waters. To round off the seasons, they told about how they loved to ski during the weekends during the winter.

It's hard for a reader to envision Sam and Bill with a child.

I asked them to tell me what their lives would look like once they had a child. With their answers, they revised their profile to reflect their future (as parents) as well as their past (as an active, spontaneous couple).

Getting real: I must say a word (or more) about being real.

More than scrapbooking abilities, more than a gift with the written word, more than anything else, authenticity is the key to an adoption profile. SHOW WHO YOU ARE. Not who you WISH you were, not who you think someone ELSE thinks you should be, but who. you. are.

Imagine back when you first met your partner. If you had misrepresented yourself just to make an initial good impression, eventually your house of cards would fall and your opportunity for love would have evaporated. It was vitally important with a partner, and it's equally important with the first parents of your future child: don't HIDE who you are, but rather REVEAL who you are. And show yourselves in your best light.

You can find more profile tips here.

* You think I'd use real names?

Lori is a mom via open adoption to Tessa, 10, and Reed, 8, who are happy that Mom has other people in her life to criticize critique besides them. Lori blogs regularly at WriteMindOpenHeart.com about parenting in open adoption and about  living mindfully. Her first book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, will be published by Rowman & Littlefield and available in mid-2013.