Friday, June 29, 2012
Voices from Transracial Adoption: Link Round Up
Happy Friday! I wanted to share some links today about transracial adoption. In order to think about transracial adoption in your own home, sometimes it helps to hear about others experiences, thoughts, and perspectives. If you've seen anything informative around the internet about transracial adoption, please leave it in the comments!
NPR: The Parenting dilemmas of Transracial Adoption
ABS: Transracial Adoption Can Provide a Loving Family and an Identity Struggle
CNN: Transracial Adoptions: A 'Feel Good' Act or No 'Big Deal'?
NPR: Mother and Son Offer Transracial Adoption Insights (Coping Advice for 'Conspicious Families')
The Root: Haiti's "Orphans' and the Trasracial Adoption Dilemma
Adoptive Families Association of British Columbia: Transracial Adoption Racial Identity Video
(thoughts on racial identity from teens and young adults)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Bellies, Baby Showers, and Birthday Parties...Oh My!
Two months after miscarriage number two, I attended my childhood friend's baby shower. She was seven months pregnant, adorable in her dress with her belly bulging. My godmother-- who I hadn't spoken to in years-- was there, along with most of the women from the church in which I was raised. It was like going back in time. Since my friend and I were the same age, both married for a few years, and both settled in our careers, I was prepared to answer question after question about when we planned on having children with something vague like "When it happens, it happens!"
I was not prepared when my godmother leaned over and gently said, "I heard you've lost a couple babies."
She had no ill intent, but I had gone to the shower trying my hardest not to make it about me, my sorrow, or my losses. The thing is, it's pretty hard to separate the two.
I think of the world post-miscarriage like a dark room where the furniture was rearranged overnight. The same things are in that room but chances are you'll trip over things that have never been in your way before.
Here are three rules that help me decide whether or not to attend baby showers and birthday parties:
1. Never feel obligated. - You come first. If you know that attending this event will set you back in your grief, don't go. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself, and bow out graciously.
2. Be honest with yourself and others. - If you're feeling courageous on that particular day-- and there will be days where you feel courageous-- then go! If you're not up for it, don't go. If you're open about your losses or infertility struggles, a simple "I'm just not ready for that yet." will generally suffice without question.
3. Celebrate in your own way. - If you choose to skip the baby shower or birthday party, do something for that friend that tells her (or him) that you're sorry you couldn't make it. Mail them a gift from their registry with a nice card or drop a birthday present by the house a few hours before the party. They will feel special and you will be included in their celebration in a way that doesn't hurt.
If you could add any "rules" to this list, what would they be? How do you cope with events like these?
Monday, June 25, 2012
We Need You
When Courtney and I dreamed about this blog we had no idea that six months after our first post in January we would have 65 posts and over 22,000 views. As we started receiving comments, we were jumping for joy that people were reading and were enjoying the posts.
I am amazed by the diversity of the topics we have covered here. Our authors have done an incredible job writing on some sensitive and difficult topics.
As we reach our six month mark we need your help. We need your suggestions on how we can help meet your needs.
So this post is about YOU, and what you want and what YOU need.
To celebrate our six month anniversary, we are giving away this Willow Tree Hope figure.
All you have to do leave us a comment and let us know what you want to see in the next few months and you'll be entered to win.
Thanks for reading along!
I am amazed by the diversity of the topics we have covered here. Our authors have done an incredible job writing on some sensitive and difficult topics.
As we reach our six month mark we need your help. We need your suggestions on how we can help meet your needs.
So this post is about YOU, and what you want and what YOU need.
- What topics would you like more information on?
- Would you like to read stories from others who have experience infertility and are now parents?
- Are there some new treatments you've heard of that you would like to know more about?
- What can we do to make this blog better for you?
- Would you like to see a twitter chat hosted by Bloggers for Hope and Chance to Hope?
To celebrate our six month anniversary, we are giving away this Willow Tree Hope figure.
All you have to do leave us a comment and let us know what you want to see in the next few months and you'll be entered to win.
Thanks for reading along!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
What's an IUI?
Let's talk about IUI's. Raise your hand if you've ever had an IUI? (Waits for everyone to raise their hand.) Okay you can put your hands down now.
What is an IUI?
Up to the time of the IUI you will be monitored by your doctor to be sure you know when you will trigger or ovulate. Once you know that, your RE or clinic will tell you what day your procedure will be.
Then the fun begins.
Even though we used donor sperm, most of the experience was the same. We showed up at our RE's office two hours early. During the week we are allowed to leave the office after signing all the consent forms. On a weekend you aren't allowed to leave. We had one IUI on a week day and one on a Saturday.
I have a few tips on what to do while you're waiting.
When everything is ready, they will call you back to a room. A nurse (or your doctor) will come in, explain the procedure, and then come back in when you're ready.
When the nurse comes back in the room, they will give you the report of the sperm. Be sure to have your spouse (or whoever's with you) to write these numbers down. Trust me, you won't remember them later.
Then they will insert a catheter into your uterus and inject the swimmers in your uterus to have a party with your eggs. You'll feel some slight cramping. Then they will prop your hips up for you to lay there and relax so none of the swimmers "fall out." Ha ha!
Once the procedure is done you get dressed. After all my IUI's (three of them) I went home. I rested on the couch and had a movie marathon.
Next up is the hard part. Waiting.
IUI's are traditionally the first "invasive" procedure in infertility treatments. They are mildly invasive and have a success rate of 15-20% with clomid and 20-25% with injectables.**
That's my perspective on an IUI. Do you have any questions. Leave a comment and let me know, I'll be happy to answer them.
_______________________________________
Sources
*Resolve
**Virginia Center for Reproductive Medicine
What is an IUI?
Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This procedure is used for couples with unexplained infertility, minimal male factor infertility, and women with cervical mucus problems. IUI is often done in conjunction with ovulation-stimulating drugs. IUI can be performed using the husband's sperm or donor sperm. Before IUI, the woman should be evaluated for any hormonal imbalance, infection or any structural problems.That is a technical definition of an IUI. I want to share my experience of an IUI with you. This is based on my clinic and my experience only.
Insemination is performed at the time of ovulation, usually within 24-36 hours after the LH surge is detected, or after the "trigger" injection of hCG is administered. Ovulation is predicted by a urine test kit or blood test and ultrasound.
In the case of husband insemination, the male partner produces a specimen, at home or at the clinic or doctor’s office. The sperm is then prepared for IUI. Sperm from the male partner or third-party donor are "washed" or separated. Separation selects out motile sperm from the man’s ejaculate and concentrates them into a small volume. Sperm washing cleanses the sperm of potentially toxic chemicals which may cause adverse reactions in the uterus. The doctor uses a soft catheter that is passed through a speculum directly into the woman's uterus to deposit the semen at the time of ovulation.*
Up to the time of the IUI you will be monitored by your doctor to be sure you know when you will trigger or ovulate. Once you know that, your RE or clinic will tell you what day your procedure will be.
Then the fun begins.
Even though we used donor sperm, most of the experience was the same. We showed up at our RE's office two hours early. During the week we are allowed to leave the office after signing all the consent forms. On a weekend you aren't allowed to leave. We had one IUI on a week day and one on a Saturday.
I have a few tips on what to do while you're waiting.
- Be sure to eat before you get there, or bring a snack with you. There's nothing worse than a hungry, waiting spouse. Or you getting hungry too.
- Be sure to bring lots a book to read, your laptop - with charger, cell phone - again with the charger or something to keep your spouse entertained. And something for you to pass the time away as well. I brought my knitting.
- Make lots of jokes with the receptionist. They are your lifeline to the back of the office and know what's really happening. :)
- You are likely to run into people you took an injectable class with, or other women who were having ultrasounds the same time you were. Give them a warm smile. They are just as nervous as you are.
- If the waiting area has some lame tv show on, don't be afraid to ask your new best friend, aka the receptionist, where the remote is. Trust me, you'll inevitable get trapped watching Dr. Phil talk to someone with 10 children. Trust me.
- Don't watch the clock (or the time on your phone). Trust me, it will pass slower than it ever has.
When everything is ready, they will call you back to a room. A nurse (or your doctor) will come in, explain the procedure, and then come back in when you're ready.
When the nurse comes back in the room, they will give you the report of the sperm. Be sure to have your spouse (or whoever's with you) to write these numbers down. Trust me, you won't remember them later.
Then they will insert a catheter into your uterus and inject the swimmers in your uterus to have a party with your eggs. You'll feel some slight cramping. Then they will prop your hips up for you to lay there and relax so none of the swimmers "fall out." Ha ha!
Once the procedure is done you get dressed. After all my IUI's (three of them) I went home. I rested on the couch and had a movie marathon.
Next up is the hard part. Waiting.
IUI's are traditionally the first "invasive" procedure in infertility treatments. They are mildly invasive and have a success rate of 15-20% with clomid and 20-25% with injectables.**
That's my perspective on an IUI. Do you have any questions. Leave a comment and let me know, I'll be happy to answer them.
_______________________________________
Sources
*Resolve
**Virginia Center for Reproductive Medicine
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Choosing To Be Grateful
As we celebrated Father's Day this weekend I looked over and thought for possibly the millionth time that I hate that we can't have any more children. My husband is an amazing father. I mean, I might be a little bias here, but I venture to say he is the greatest father of our generation. Nobody could top this guy. And yet, the fact that he is the rock star of Papas (and I am a pretty great Mama, if I do say so myself) doesn't change the fact that we are unable to have any more.
We are locked in with our one sweet boy, and we are extremely blessed to have him. But it just doesn't seem fair, that a disease like endometriosis has taken so much from us. It has taken our ability to decide on the size of our family. It has taken a frightening amount of our money as we paid out of pocket for our IUI's, IVF and FET's, not to mention the thousands in insurance copays for procedures to fight the endometriosis that we can't seem to keep under control. It has taken my sick days, and my weekends. It has taken my time with family and friends.
As I sat down to write this final post on endometriosis for Bloggers for Hope, all I could think was how much I hate endometriosis. How tired I am of dealing with it. How tired I am of it controlling me. And what else was there to say beyond that hate for something that has stolen so much and sometimes feels like it has taken control of our lives. And then I realized that it only has as much control as I allow it to have. That yes, the things that endometriosis has taken from me are unfair. But if I am being completely honest, I realize that everyone has their hardships in life. Endometriosis is one of mine, but I refuse to allow this to control or define me as a person or us as a family. What matters is how we choose to handle these hardships, that is your legacy, that is what matters.
My husband and I stood together through our infertility battle. And we still stand together as I try to keep endomteriosis from taking over too much of my life. We are a different couple that we would have been without these trials, and I would never change anything about how strong we are together right now. Because of this disease, I have my son. Without it, the timing would have been different. We never would have done IVF, we might have had more children, but we might not have THIS child. This perfect boy that is the total light of our lives. We have him specifically because I have endometriosis.
Our lives are different because I have endometriosis, there is no question about that. But if I had the power to change one thing in my life, would I take away this disease and risk the other changes that might occur? I don't think so. In life you have to take the good and the bad. It leads us to the people we are meant to be. I have endometriosis, but it is not a flaw in my life, it is just a part of my journey. It is as important as I let it be. I can choose to be angry at having this disease, or I can choose to be grateful to the amazing life I have, hardships and all.
I choose to be grateful.
This is my last post as a regular contributing author here at Blogger's For Hope. Thank you so much for reading along along as I wrote about Endometriosis. I feel truly blessed to have been a part of such an amazing group of bloggers. Thanks!
We are locked in with our one sweet boy, and we are extremely blessed to have him. But it just doesn't seem fair, that a disease like endometriosis has taken so much from us. It has taken our ability to decide on the size of our family. It has taken a frightening amount of our money as we paid out of pocket for our IUI's, IVF and FET's, not to mention the thousands in insurance copays for procedures to fight the endometriosis that we can't seem to keep under control. It has taken my sick days, and my weekends. It has taken my time with family and friends.
As I sat down to write this final post on endometriosis for Bloggers for Hope, all I could think was how much I hate endometriosis. How tired I am of dealing with it. How tired I am of it controlling me. And what else was there to say beyond that hate for something that has stolen so much and sometimes feels like it has taken control of our lives. And then I realized that it only has as much control as I allow it to have. That yes, the things that endometriosis has taken from me are unfair. But if I am being completely honest, I realize that everyone has their hardships in life. Endometriosis is one of mine, but I refuse to allow this to control or define me as a person or us as a family. What matters is how we choose to handle these hardships, that is your legacy, that is what matters.
My husband and I stood together through our infertility battle. And we still stand together as I try to keep endomteriosis from taking over too much of my life. We are a different couple that we would have been without these trials, and I would never change anything about how strong we are together right now. Because of this disease, I have my son. Without it, the timing would have been different. We never would have done IVF, we might have had more children, but we might not have THIS child. This perfect boy that is the total light of our lives. We have him specifically because I have endometriosis.
Our lives are different because I have endometriosis, there is no question about that. But if I had the power to change one thing in my life, would I take away this disease and risk the other changes that might occur? I don't think so. In life you have to take the good and the bad. It leads us to the people we are meant to be. I have endometriosis, but it is not a flaw in my life, it is just a part of my journey. It is as important as I let it be. I can choose to be angry at having this disease, or I can choose to be grateful to the amazing life I have, hardships and all.
I choose to be grateful.
This is my last post as a regular contributing author here at Blogger's For Hope. Thank you so much for reading along along as I wrote about Endometriosis. I feel truly blessed to have been a part of such an amazing group of bloggers. Thanks!
Friday, June 15, 2012
A Spoonful of Sugar
It seemed like for about 2 weeks or so that the infertile community was exploding with great news...pregnancies, cleared cycles, successful pregnancies, etc.
And then, just like THAT, it started going downhill...miscarriages, canceled cycles, flare ups of diseases with unsuccessful surgeries. What was going on with the universe?!?
If I could take away the pain of my fellow community, I would. There was a beautiful post written yesterday by "EndoJourney" and I encourage you to read it. She describes the bond we form, to a T. Go on, read it and come back.
I say all of this because when the weight of the journey is too heavy to bear, it's important to find a way to cope...a way to release. Sometimes that might be having a good ol' fashion cry-til-your-eyes-are-swollen-shut tears. Other times it might be having your drink of choice or a food that you know is completely unhealthy for you.
Another way to get rid of tension? Laugh. That's right.
No, I don't mean you think everything is all honky dorey (um, do people even say that anymore?). It doesn't mean you're "OKnbsp; It's just another device to let go of the stress and upset for even a few minutes (or hey, maybe it's just gotten to the point that if you don't laugh, you'll cry even more and you're just tired of crying).
So today, on this Friday, I thought I'd bring you some laughter (or attempt at it). I love all the "hey girl" stuff online and a few months ago, I created some of my own. If you've been on my blog over at Chance to Hope, or if you "like" us on FB, then you've probably seen them before...but who doesn't love him?!
I also came across some funny ones from Attain Fertility's Pinterest board (and shameless plug, here's our pinterest page too):
So, now it's YOUR turn! Start off your weekend joining in our fun and help everyone chuckle a little...Give me your best caption for the following pictures and maybe, just maybe, not only will you make us laugh, you'll bring some sunshine into someone else's life today (and we will add it to our FB/Pinterest/website humor!).
And then, just like THAT, it started going downhill...miscarriages, canceled cycles, flare ups of diseases with unsuccessful surgeries. What was going on with the universe?!?
If I could take away the pain of my fellow community, I would. There was a beautiful post written yesterday by "EndoJourney" and I encourage you to read it. She describes the bond we form, to a T. Go on, read it and come back.
I say all of this because when the weight of the journey is too heavy to bear, it's important to find a way to cope...a way to release. Sometimes that might be having a good ol' fashion cry-til-your-eyes-are-swollen-shut tears. Other times it might be having your drink of choice or a food that you know is completely unhealthy for you.
Another way to get rid of tension? Laugh. That's right.
No, I don't mean you think everything is all honky dorey (um, do people even say that anymore?). It doesn't mean you're "OKnbsp; It's just another device to let go of the stress and upset for even a few minutes (or hey, maybe it's just gotten to the point that if you don't laugh, you'll cry even more and you're just tired of crying).
So today, on this Friday, I thought I'd bring you some laughter (or attempt at it). I love all the "hey girl" stuff online and a few months ago, I created some of my own. If you've been on my blog over at Chance to Hope, or if you "like" us on FB, then you've probably seen them before...but who doesn't love him?!
I also came across some funny ones from Attain Fertility's Pinterest board (and shameless plug, here's our pinterest page too):
So, now it's YOUR turn! Start off your weekend joining in our fun and help everyone chuckle a little...Give me your best caption for the following pictures and maybe, just maybe, not only will you make us laugh, you'll bring some sunshine into someone else's life today (and we will add it to our FB/Pinterest/website humor!).
Caption Picture #1:
Caption Picture #3:
I can't wait to see your suggestions!! Also, no matter where you are today, the lowest of lows, or highest of highs, I really do hope that you find peace and joy.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Fatherless Day
After my last post, I was ready to try another funny styled post, but recent events, and the calendar have caused me to change my mind and go a different track. So, lets light this firecracker...
First, this upcoming weekend is Father's Day. A day for celebrating that finest of achievements, successful completion of amorous pursuits with a woman resulting in the creation of another human being. Of course, there are a lot more things involved to being a father. Dirty diapers, sleepless nights, cranky mommy, and a whole host of other "dream" conditions.
The funny thing is that most good men would never trade these for anything, because they love their kids, and they love their partner. This is part of their purpose in life.
And then... there is the man who wants to be a father with his wife or partner. This weekend, much like Mother's Day, guys wanting to be a father sit on the sidelines as eunuchs or second class wimps, not a part of society for the day. Kick in the Y.
Now, THAT is a winning proposition. So, no matter if you are on a diet or not, depressed or not, go buy a Frosty and help children find their forever home. So that for some children, this will be their last Fatherless Day.
Finally, I have a friend, John, who has valiantly battled adrenal and liver cancer well beyond his expected life expectancy. He has been a great role model for grace during his battle. But, he is now approaching his last days. He has a daughter and wife who love him dearly, and are trying to deal with the medical treatments, emotional issues, and knowledge that soon the beloved daughter will be fatherless.
So, as I sit here writing this post, I realize that soon I will attending my friends funeral. So I really should shut up and not be so whiny. If my friend John has hope, why shouldn't I?
So, this Father's day, I choose to have hope. Hope that I will someday soon be a father. Thank you John for giving me hope.
And I hope this weekend YOU will be able to find hope as well.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative
There's an old song that comes to mind today. It's called, Accentuate the Positive.
This is my favorite part of the song.
There is some serious truth in this, isn't there?
Something I've been working on lately is accentuating the positive. It's a challenge when it's so easy to dwell on the negative. And the in-between stuff really messes with the mind, doesn't it?
When my husband and I decided to stop pursuing infertility treatments and move to the path of adoption I decided to begin seeing an infertility therapist. I'm so grateful that there is a therapist in my area that specializes in infertility and adoption.
My biggest issue these days is working on positive thinking. MM (what I call my therapist online) believes that if you think positive thoughts, then positive things will come to you. Are you a believer in that theory?
I have a Pandora bracelet. I started it when we started our infertility treatments again two years ago. Every bead and charm on there has a meaning to me. Some of them relate to our infertility journey and some of them relate to trips or things we have done during that time.
Recently I rearranged it and realized I had enough space for two additional charms. A friend asked me what charms I was going to get to complete it.
I stopped to think and told her that if we adopt then I would buy a charm at that time. When I repeated that to MM she reminded me that I said "if."
Those two little letters change the tone of that sentence doesn't it. What if I had said "when we adopt" instead of "if we adopt." That changes that it completely.
Later I stopped to think about how many times I say "if" or "not until" or "not yet." I realized I say those phrases a lot.
So now I'm focusing on saying "when" and keeping a positive perspective. That is a challenge, isn't it?
But it's hard to do when you're battling infertility. When you're deep in the trenches and battling to start your family it's hard to stay positive.
How do YOU stay positive? How do you focus on being positive instead of falling into the trap of negativity?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
This is my favorite part of the song.
Something I've been working on lately is accentuating the positive. It's a challenge when it's so easy to dwell on the negative. And the in-between stuff really messes with the mind, doesn't it?
When my husband and I decided to stop pursuing infertility treatments and move to the path of adoption I decided to begin seeing an infertility therapist. I'm so grateful that there is a therapist in my area that specializes in infertility and adoption.
My biggest issue these days is working on positive thinking. MM (what I call my therapist online) believes that if you think positive thoughts, then positive things will come to you. Are you a believer in that theory?
I have a Pandora bracelet. I started it when we started our infertility treatments again two years ago. Every bead and charm on there has a meaning to me. Some of them relate to our infertility journey and some of them relate to trips or things we have done during that time.
Recently I rearranged it and realized I had enough space for two additional charms. A friend asked me what charms I was going to get to complete it.
I stopped to think and told her that if we adopt then I would buy a charm at that time. When I repeated that to MM she reminded me that I said "if."
Those two little letters change the tone of that sentence doesn't it. What if I had said "when we adopt" instead of "if we adopt." That changes that it completely.
Later I stopped to think about how many times I say "if" or "not until" or "not yet." I realized I say those phrases a lot.
So now I'm focusing on saying "when" and keeping a positive perspective. That is a challenge, isn't it?
But it's hard to do when you're battling infertility. When you're deep in the trenches and battling to start your family it's hard to stay positive.
How do YOU stay positive? How do you focus on being positive instead of falling into the trap of negativity?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thinking about Transracial Adoption?
Happy Thursday, friends! This is Caryn here, you may remember me as your IVF blogger for the last six months here on Bloggers for Hope. I’m now transitioning over to be your adoption blogger, which I think will be very exciting! As you may have read in my biography, adoption is how I came to be a parent…specifically though domestic interstate adoption through private agencies. This is the part of adoption that I know very well, but I will do my best to provide prospective from other adoption avenues, like international adoption and adoption through foster care.
There’s a specific topic within the adoption world that I am pretty passionate about…transracial adoption. Transracial adoption is when you adopt a child who is from another racial background than you. As our society is getting more and more progressive, this is become a real option for more and more families. First, I’d like to quote some statistics at you:
When potential adoptive parents were asked in their home study what races they’d be open to in a placement, this was their response:
-88% would ‘accept’ a White baby
-33% would ‘accept’ a South American or Hispanic baby
-28% would ‘accept’ an Asian baby
-14% would ‘accept’ a Black baby
(only 7% of those pursuing international adoption would adopt Black children)*
While these statistics currently show that transracial adoption is still fairly uncommon in the US, it is on the rise…significantly. With the closure of many international adoption programs and countries (like many South/Central American countries, Russia, etc), and the waiting list for popular countries like Columbia and China at staggeringly long rate, more and more people are moving to domestic infant adoption. And to be very honest, most of the babies needing homes are from a minority ethnic background.
As a prospective adoptive parent, the choice to adopt outside your race is a very personal decision. You need to weigh many factors, including how extended family will react to a different-colored family member, how inclusive your community would be of your family, and what kind of very critical opportunities you can provide to the child so that they can connect with others who look like him/her.
And if you do decide to adopt outside your race, you need to know that you will be very visible as a family created though adoption. People ask questions, you child will ask questions, and you will talk about it A LOT. You need to be okay with that….and that of becoming an advocate not only for your child and family, but also for your child’s racial background.
If you do decide to pursue transracial adoption, I can personally tell you that it is one of the most amazing, enriching, and transformative paths to travel. I have learned SO MUCH just in the 16 months of my son’s life. And I’m looking forward to traveling this journey of self-discovery with him. It is truly a blessing and an honor to be his mom.
Over the course of the next few adoption posts, I'd like to dive a little deeper into topics around transracial adoption, white privilege, education, and communication. Please leave a comment if you have any other topics you'd like to see covered!
*statistics from Rage Against the Minivan, via Love Isn't Enough
There’s a specific topic within the adoption world that I am pretty passionate about…transracial adoption. Transracial adoption is when you adopt a child who is from another racial background than you. As our society is getting more and more progressive, this is become a real option for more and more families. First, I’d like to quote some statistics at you:
When potential adoptive parents were asked in their home study what races they’d be open to in a placement, this was their response:
-88% would ‘accept’ a White baby
-33% would ‘accept’ a South American or Hispanic baby
-28% would ‘accept’ an Asian baby
-14% would ‘accept’ a Black baby
(only 7% of those pursuing international adoption would adopt Black children)*
While these statistics currently show that transracial adoption is still fairly uncommon in the US, it is on the rise…significantly. With the closure of many international adoption programs and countries (like many South/Central American countries, Russia, etc), and the waiting list for popular countries like Columbia and China at staggeringly long rate, more and more people are moving to domestic infant adoption. And to be very honest, most of the babies needing homes are from a minority ethnic background.
One of these things is not like the other.
As a prospective adoptive parent, the choice to adopt outside your race is a very personal decision. You need to weigh many factors, including how extended family will react to a different-colored family member, how inclusive your community would be of your family, and what kind of very critical opportunities you can provide to the child so that they can connect with others who look like him/her.
And if you do decide to adopt outside your race, you need to know that you will be very visible as a family created though adoption. People ask questions, you child will ask questions, and you will talk about it A LOT. You need to be okay with that….and that of becoming an advocate not only for your child and family, but also for your child’s racial background.
If you do decide to pursue transracial adoption, I can personally tell you that it is one of the most amazing, enriching, and transformative paths to travel. I have learned SO MUCH just in the 16 months of my son’s life. And I’m looking forward to traveling this journey of self-discovery with him. It is truly a blessing and an honor to be his mom.
Over the course of the next few adoption posts, I'd like to dive a little deeper into topics around transracial adoption, white privilege, education, and communication. Please leave a comment if you have any other topics you'd like to see covered!
*statistics from Rage Against the Minivan, via Love Isn't Enough
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Grief, Mathematically Speaking
Last night I was sitting in bed watching an old Christmas episode of Bones and randomly burst into tears. After the day I'd had, full of emotion, this random episode of Bones threw me over the edge. My dog, startled by my sudden outburst, came running to my side as if she knew I needed someone there. It was the cutest thing.
Anyway, what I'm getting at here with my rambling is that I came to one conclusion yesterday, and being the visual nerd that I am, I illustrated it for you in mathematical terms.
I would like to argue that grief is an ongoing, lifelong process. A friend mentioned last night that grief was not linear, and immediately, this is what I thought about. It does not start at point A and end at point B. Instead, it starts at point A and twists and turns and intersects and lasts and lasts and lasts and lasts...
I would like to argue that it gets easier over time, though this is not yet my experience. In a year, we've had three miscarriages, so there are all these dates that I still remember and all these terrible anniversaries that tie my stomach into knots. Like today. One year ago today, Micah died. We found out about it a year ago tomorrow. I had my D&E a year ago June 8th. You see what I mean? It's a whole year of dates that I have yet to forget.
I'll be honest. Part of me wants to forget. I have it all written down, and now I want to forget. I want to be able to make new memories on those days.
Then there are the faces of my friends' children who were born around the time my babies should have been born. I watch them grow, and I love them so much, but I ache for me, for my quiet house, for my husband and his broken heart.
I don't have any sage advice to give, but to continue giving yourself the opportunity to grieve-- I've been bottling it up lately, and it's only made it worse. As I've said before, grief doesn't operate on a timeline, and if you (we) never "get over it," that's okay.
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Also, thanks for all your additions to my loss and infertility playlist. Here is the list as of now, but feel free to keep adding to it!!
Anyway, what I'm getting at here with my rambling is that I came to one conclusion yesterday, and being the visual nerd that I am, I illustrated it for you in mathematical terms.
 |
| Note - this is not actual science, people, but you get what I mean. |
I would like to argue that it gets easier over time, though this is not yet my experience. In a year, we've had three miscarriages, so there are all these dates that I still remember and all these terrible anniversaries that tie my stomach into knots. Like today. One year ago today, Micah died. We found out about it a year ago tomorrow. I had my D&E a year ago June 8th. You see what I mean? It's a whole year of dates that I have yet to forget.
I'll be honest. Part of me wants to forget. I have it all written down, and now I want to forget. I want to be able to make new memories on those days.
Then there are the faces of my friends' children who were born around the time my babies should have been born. I watch them grow, and I love them so much, but I ache for me, for my quiet house, for my husband and his broken heart.
I don't have any sage advice to give, but to continue giving yourself the opportunity to grieve-- I've been bottling it up lately, and it's only made it worse. As I've said before, grief doesn't operate on a timeline, and if you (we) never "get over it," that's okay.
--------------
Also, thanks for all your additions to my loss and infertility playlist. Here is the list as of now, but feel free to keep adding to it!!
Steven Curtis Chapman - Dive
Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out
Katy Perry - Firework
Considering Lily - The Pieces Fit
Lykke Li - Possibility
Cave In - Inspire
Relient K - High of 75
The Secret Sisters - Tomorrow Will be Kinder
Friday, June 1, 2012
How I'm Like Meredith Grey
No, I didn’t single-handedly sink an FDA trial.
I did, however, get sobering news from a reproductive endocrinologist.
Like the dark and twisted one, I have a hostile uterus.
We think.
I knew that getting pregnant wouldn’t be an easy trick for us. Having 45 day cycles was awesome as a teen, getting them 4 times a year as a young twenty something was even more awesome.
Luckily, clomid seemed to get me moving along, though not pregnant. After 6 rounds of clomid, 4 IUIs (with one miscarriage), 3 fresh and 1 frozen IVF cycle, and only one blip of a pregnancy lasting about a day, clearly there was something else at play.
We had done all of the standard labs, and mostly, there was nothing exciting to see. I have the MTHFR gene (a blood clotting issue that may have links to miscarriage), which is fairly common in the infertility crowd. My husband’s morphology was borderline, but motility and count were excellent, so ICSI should have solved that issue.
There was no answer for why my regular cycle was so wonky. It wasn’t PCOS, I had normal hormone levels, nothing stood out as a red flag. Countless vials of blood were then taken and sent off to a specialty lab in California, where they were dissected in every which way.
I apparently have a lot of natural killer cells in my uterus, so it attacks foreign objects like a boss. Great for things like fighting cancer. Stinks if you want to house a fetus for 9 months. I apparently may be allergic to my husband’s white blood cells.
Treatment for this would mean getting inoculated against them, which was legal when The West Wing was on (Toby and his estranged wife did this in the “Debate Camp” episode), but wasn’t by the time we would have used it, in 2008. There was something very “movie of the week” about going to Mexico for fertility treatments, especially since the diagnoses were tenuous at best, and certainly held no guarantee of success.
Up until this point, we had been on what is known as a shared risk program. We paid up front for what amounted to slightly more than two IVF cycles, but would guarantee us 6 fresh and 6 frozen cycles (assuming we had frozen embryos, which we almost never did).
If we didn’t get to a viable pregnancy, the clinic would refund our money. The clinics cherry pick couples for this program, because they’re betting the couples will get pregnant in two or less cycles. Guess who became only the second couple that the clinic refunded the money for?
We may never know exactly why my body wasn’t capable of getting or staying pregnant. What was clear was that our doctors weren’t betting on me getting pregnant. After all the treatment, and my mental and physical reactions to the medication, I was relieved to close the door on pregnancy. When you’re in the throes of treatment, it’s hard to know where to draw the line is. There’s too many hormones, too many options.
I never was someone who needed to feel a child growing inside of me to know I could love him or her. My husband and I wanted to love and raise a child more than we wanted me to be pregnant, and so, we adopted.
Just like Meredith Grey.
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